Why buy a real tree?

by Eric Brown

Since the dawn of mankind, humans have been celebrating Christmas around a Christmas tree.

Traditionally people use real trees to set up inside and decorate. But due to the creation of metal during the Big Bang, and the creation of plastic in the 1800s, artificial Christmas trees have become a fad.

And to be frank, I don’t like them one bit.

For starters, they’re not as aesthetically pleasing as real Christmas trees. There’s nothing like taking a nice gander at your completely real, grown-in- the-forest, 8-foot-tall balsam fir tree standing up in your sunroof. It’s just a nice, homey feeling.

And having a plastic tree with its fake needles and metal branches is as disillusioning as biting into that liar of a “chocolate chip cookie” only to find out it’s actually an oatmeal raisin cookie. 

Also, the scent emitted from a real tree is like no other. One of my favorite parts about Christmas morning is leaning over to grab a present from under the tree and catching a quick whiff of the nice piney scent. Sure you could hang a couple car fresheners on your fake tree, but it’s just not the same feel.

Lastly, if you don’t have a real tree, you don’t get to participate in one of December’s greatest traditions: picking out a tree. I mean, I suppose you could say that climbing into your attic and taking down a cardboard box filled with dismembered tree parts is pretty fun, but picking out a nice fresh tree and tying it up to the roof of your car is way better.

So go ahead and put up that artificial tree if you want.  Just don’t forget to also put on your toupée, fake eyelashes and girdle while you’re eating your Christmas dinner of Tofurkey. 

Why buy an artificial tree?

by Bella Ziolek

Real is usually preferable over fake: real maple syrup, real friends, real tans over the fake orange ones—but not during this time of year. Don’t bother chopping down the nearest pine, ‘tis the season for artificial Christmas trees.

Spoiler alert: The entire Christmas season is based off of a fake man, so what better way to get in the spirit than to put up a fake tree?

Not to be judgmental, but some real trees are just downright ugly, and if they’re not ugly they’re small. Bigger is better, and Christmas trees are no exception. Bigger tree means more space under the tree, and we all know what goes there. Sure, you can claim your real tree is “unique” and “cute,” but you’re not fooling anyone.

The holiday season is full of surprises, but your tree doesn’t need to be one of them. If you have a fake one, you know it’ll always be there—big, beautiful, and dependable.

Real tree fanatics might claim that going to get a tree is a highlight of the Christmas season, but you can make the same kind of tradition building your own tree. And who doesn’t love having the power to twist the branches your own way? Especially when you don’t have to worry about a shower of pine needles raining down on you. 

Now this brings me to the most annoying part of real trees: the mess. There’s already enough crumbs on the floor from various cakes and cookies. The last thing you need are heaps of pine needles everywhere. Artificial trees come with an easy set-up and take-down.

I know, fake trees don’t have a smell. But that scent just isn’t worth the hassle. Get yourself a fake tree, light a match, and let the aroma of a Shimmering Pine Yankee Candle fill your room instead.

If you’re that insistent on getting a real tree, then go ahead and get one.  However, you should also know that every tree you cut down for your own holiday pleasure is making a poor squirrel homeless. Remember, this is the season of giving not taking.